Suddenly I Need to Think About My Safety

Personal safety has changed for me. 

I have not posted much, if anything, about my experience as a transgender person. Mostly because I am a private person. If you want to know why I don't like condiments, no problem. But at work or on social media, I tend to separate my private life from my public life. I think it's no different than people not bringing up topics like their marriage or conceiving a child; it's about having boundaries.

Boundaries are about safety. At work, boundaries support myself and those I interact with. Who knows what is going on in someone's life that will trigger them and make them feel unsafe. That doesn't mean I suppress my private life or who I am, but I will not push it onto others. Like in a previous post, I don't know what is happening in anyone else's life, and I respect that they may want to keep it that way.

Building on boundaries...some folks no longer have boundaries; they are willing to say almost anything, especially on social media.

I've been watching the show Will and Harper on Netflix and was troubled in a couple of ways by the part where they went into a Texas steakhouse together. If you're not familiar with the story, Harper is a friend of Will's from Saturday Night Live and is transgender. Will Ferrell, being who he is, attracted a lot of attention from the other patrons at the restaurant. Some of those patrons wrote terrible things about Harper and tagged Will on social media.

I relate to that story because safety is something I need to think about now. My transition is not something I talk about, and most people are respectful enough not to ask. I appreciate that since, as a transgender person, I often don't feel safe. I say this not to compete with any group; but because of the realization that I went from the top of the privilege hierarchy to a spot much lower. There are many states that I would be uncomfortable spending time in, Texas among them. I recently needed to travel to Dallas for work, so I took several precautions to ensure my safety. My former privilege told me that I was overreacting. But wait, there was my experience in Nashville a few years ago when I was alone and physically/verbally confronted by some huge/drunk men. I was terrified and stunned, this was an entirely new experience for me. It worked out "OK" because I literally ran away, but it was one heck of a wake-up call.

It's this fear/concern for safety that exists for most transgender people and drives the generalized suspicion we feel. It is hard for me to be suspicious that way, but some things have transpired this year, and those suspicions explain many things. Too many things. This is where allies become essential to help with boundaries and safety. The next night in Nashville I asked a friend to walk me back to the hotel, but what about the less obvious things? I need your help there too. 

The revelation for Will Ferrell around what life was like for his friend is something that I wish everyone could understand. It was clear from his reaction how big of a revelation it was for him - how his actions led to the threats on social media. Harper and I are both white trans-women who transitioned relatively late in life and so enjoyed the benefits of our privilege for longer than we won't. It is so much worse for people at the intersection of race and gender!

I need your help to remain safe beyond my physical safety. Stand up to locker-room talk, gossip, social media, bias at work, etc. activities. It will require you to step outside your comfort zone. I hope you can find the courage.